A Letter to My 18 Year Old Self

Dear, younger Gail

Hi! It’s me, Gail. I’m you but only older and err…maybe just slightly wiser. I'm a kidding, you're still a bit of a doughnut.

You might not recognise me, I am a little softer and have developed a few lines over the years all over my body but don’t worry my body has earned these lines. I have laughed, fought, and grown children in this amazing body, I know you look at your body and hate it now but one day you can look in the mirror and smile at whats there, not always but you have relaxed.

High school was hard for you and you still are carrying some of the baggage to this day, I wish you hadn’t worried what others had thought of you and could have been who you wanted to be, you still care what others think now, just less and you have embraced your individuality thanks to some amazing friends, who you now see as family. You are much happier excepting who you are.

You will never be Miss Popular and that will take some time to get your head around, you will see that the small group of close friends around you are all you really need. They have your back and love you so deeply that I can honestly say they would hide a body for you, if you needed it. P.s you don’t need them to do that, thankfully you aren’t a killer.

Please stop punishing yourself because of the people who have made you feel stupid, ugly and left you doubting yourself, I know how much it hurts but those people aren’t going to be in your life, they aren't important. You may remember their words but you learn that it was their own insecurities that plagued them, you just were an easy outlet for their own unhappiness. Forgive them, it will help you move on.

You parents aren’t the enemy; you won’t see that for a few years but there is so much more to them than just a money outlet. They love you crazy, that's why they interfere with your life because they care. They care so much that, that's why dad still calls you every morning to see if you got the train to college each morning, he misses you. They are great parents that have taught you great morals and life skills. Don’t brush off their advice, they really have been there before. As you become a mother (yes, you have kids!!) you will understand that they are protecting you, helping you growing into someone they not only love but they will like.

You will have a relationship with your sister, she is having her own issues and it won’t be until an unexpected early birth of your nephew (she has a baby before you) when the only person there to hold her hand is you, will she realise that you have always had her back and always will. Your great friends now, though she will tell you otherwise sometimes. Also she will still try and beat you up when she gets angry…somethings never change!

You will still mother your youngest sister but admire her free spirit muchly. You will also love her style and steal her clothes at every opportunity…somethings never change.

Don’t believe what the boys tell you, they are lying. They don’t love/even like you and they will use you like an old sports sock. This is not your fault, your earlier experiences with boys has left you very confused, I know you’re desperate to find your prince. You will find him and he will treat you the way you deserve, he will help you see everything you are and can be. He really will make you happy, you only have to wait a few more years.

I can’t say it’s going to be an easy journey, your anxiety and health issues will still haunt you at times but you are proactive at fighting these demons. You are stronger and braver than you know, it may seem at times that your anxiety is out of control and make you think the worst in life but its lying to you. Learning to manage these thoughts is the key to living a happy and healthy life and a life that you value.

You will need to go back on medication, after you have your children, it triggers all the anxieties you had in your early teens but you are better equipped this time, you really do try and not let anxiety control you this time.

There was a time you thought you had to do this alone, not to speak out but you find your voice, you are never alone. You have people by your side, people you can always call. They are there to help me, support me and remind me that I am loved. Let go of the worry about other people's opinions as the only opinions that matter are your friends/family and I know that they care for you.

You are a respected individual, and though anxiety tries to make you submit, it doesn’t define you.

So please don’t give up. You’re allowed to be kind to yourself, you can be so much more than an anxious mess. When you do relax everything just seems more fun and enjoyable but it’s OK to not be OK all the time.

Loving you always

Your Older self Gail xxx