Choosing Happiness! - what's wrong with feeling happy?
Lately this blog and my social platforms have taken a little turn, I have been feeling so good, relaxed and less anxious the last 3 months that writing about how happy I am just now didn’t seem suitable. I don’t want to be rubbing it in anyone’s faces, I’m not a professional - so can’t preach and I just haven’t felt like writing about things that have gotten me down. How can I write about my maternal mental health woes if I don’t have them just now?
I’m not cured, I am simply managing my mental health well at the moment which I think has something to do with my medication FINALLY being controlled and my new found love of running up to 4 times a week. (I know, who even IM I?!?) But I am completely aware that the mind is a delicate thing and that it could all change in the blink of an eye or the whisper of gossip.
I was recently trolled, I’m not going to go into it in detail, though I was surprised at first view I have accepted that I am out here for all to see, every little “unhinged” bit of me but the thing that got me was they said I’m now boring due to the fact I’m not always worrying, anxious, or overthinking and now I’m no longer “relatable”. Le sigh, can’t win but I realised, I don’t care! HA!
That’s right, my good mood has made these little blimps meaningless to me where before I would be hiding in my house, over analysing, stressing, and crying that these people who I don’t know were saying stuff about me. But it did get me thinking about my posts lately and yeah, I am no longer writing all doom and gloom. I m actually posting pictures and posts like the ones I used to hate and drive me made. Posing in front of an aesthetically beautiful wall/street/flower arch/blah blah blah anyone?!
The last 3 months has seen me take a massive shift towards improving myself, running has given me purpose and a goal to work towards. Results I am seeing each time I run, the fast development has really boosted me self esteem and I’m sure the burst of endorphins also helps. My medication has been steady for the first time in about a year, no constant changing of doses or me deciding to stop it then quickly regretting it, I have not missed one day.
I still feel like a need a nap during the day, but this could be because I am up at 5am most morning to fit in my run or bootcamp classes. I know its early, but the benefits have weighted out the need for an extra hour of sleep those mornings.
I'm reasonably stable at the moment. Sure, I sometimes still experience the odd feeling of intense worry or an anxiety attack, but I can live with that, I have lived with it being so much worse.
So, what's wrong with feeling happy?
Nothing but I’m scared, scared that’s its all going to mess up again. Chances are it will, as I said IM not cured, I will never be cured. I’m just learning how to manage my irrational worries better but they wont go away entirely. Aren't normal people happy from time to time anyway? And sad sometimes too? A fleeting, human state of mind?
It seems that I may not be the only one with depression/anxiety/mental health that often steers away from activities that could bring me feelings of happiness. Choosing to stay home and cancel plan because that’s safer. Then I spiral, I develops social withdrawal and social anxiety that’s a common symptom, this just reinforces the worry that if they experience some joy, fun, or happy feelings from a holiday, party or summer barbecue, it will ultimately lead to a regret, a recognition of the issues I suffer, or other let-down.
Even removing any mental disorder, people may have had life observations when happy times were all too often followed by the bad. Many times, I have forgot the times when nothing memorable followed a happy time.
Distorted associations like mine had become a mental habit. Yet, it’s important to also recognise that it’s possible to undo that association, something I have seen by breaking the cycle and pushing forward into the unknown with my goals. I’m now running 5 k in less than 30 minutes, NONSTOP!!
“Normal”. That word often crops up when speaking to other people with mental health problem.
“I just want to be normal again,” people say. Sometimes I'll reply: “What's normal?”
Where do I begin, and where does my mental health pick up? It feels like the last 2 years I has just been all about my mental health and struggling to find/grasp the old me. Just like any illness I became that, people avoided me, asked my parents sadly “how is Gail?” and my parents asked me to stop talking about it. I’m glad I didn’t as I am starting to understand it all, my triggers, my thoughts, my ideas…they are normal for ME and all I needed to do was start to accept that I am not normal, I am just me.
Comentários