Happy Birthday MumForce - Mumforce turns 2!

Mumforce is 2!

That’s right, my little blog is no longer a baby and just about to hit the terrible toddler stage. So I wanted to write a little post about how Mumforce started and how its evolved since then.

Let’s rewind back 2 years, It was 8 months after the birth of my second child, Cassius and I was drowning. I was barely keeping my head above water, my plates had stopped spinning and were in a million pieces on the floor and the dark clouds were not shifting, I was deep in the dark places in my mind. I hadn’t been aware that my life was falling apart around me as I really did think I was coping but it took one hard look at myself one morning when I realised I was too scared to leave the house one morning. The world wasn’t “safe”, and I needed to keep myself and my babies in my home, the little sanctuary I had created. Oh poo…

I was unsure now to tackle this, I had experienced OCD intrusive thoughts as a teen, so this wasn’t completely new to me, but I was an adult now, surely I should be able to get past this myself. My husband was also well aware of my “quirks” but this was something different, he was worried about me and how my mind was processing the world now. I was tense, uptight and always on the go.

I would find myself staying in doors and cleaning for hours and still being unsatisfied that I was keeping my family safe. I had to protect them, keep them healthy and do my absolute best and it seem the only way was to clean, organise and clean again. I had isolated myself so much, my head I had created a safe list of people I could be around and ones who were allowed in my home, again this was for protection. They were “clean”.

To everyone bar my husband I was doing well, you see I’m extremely high functioning, you just wouldn’t know my mind was slowly destroying my confidence in myself. I became very good at hiding my stresses. I never missed work and would happily chat away with friends and family, keeping it all in till I returned home. I was sad, sad that I felt like I was failing, unable to see the real big picture.

I turned to the internet, scrolling through blogs to try and see if anyone else was feeling like I was. I found a few, I knew I wasn’t alone, but I felt it. I didn’t want to bother anyone with the crazy thoughts going on in my mind, I knew what they would say, and I also knew that it wouldn’t be helpful. I needed to get it all out thought, like if I spoke about it I could process it outside of my head a bit more rationally. So, I started writing it down.

Looking at my first posts, they didn’t make much sense but the relieve I felt getting it all out was instant! I poured every surreal thought out on the blog with no thought that anyone would actually read it. It started as my outlet and grew from there.

The more I wrote, the more people got in contact with me saying they felt the same or had at least experienced aspects of my issues. It was refreshing, and I started to feel I could talk about the things I was feeling because I wasn’t alone in my odd thoughts. I was not singular in my ideas.

I started the social media pages, Instagram and Facebook for a quick connection with these new people in my life but kept it quiet to those who knew me, I wasn’t ready to tell my friends and family I was slowing losing my identity. I still could hear what they would say, and I wasn’t ready to explain or justify.

Things started to grow, speed up and at times it was helpful but others it was overwhelming. I was still trying to figure out what was going on and it was so easy to get lost in this online world I had created, this was a place where I could be open and didn’t feel judged, it was real but not the “real” world and I had to take breaks often so not to be completely obsessed.

I’m not going to lie though, at times I started to obsess about the numbers. I was reaching people with my words and if I had more followers I would be able to help more. I was wrong but that was something I would learn with time.

I shared my experiences with starting antidepressants again, the side effects I suffered and the issues I had with doctors constantly changing my dosage. I was a bit of a mess while I adjusted to the medications, but it was a step in the right direction. I had pushed the bolder down the hill – I had started my recovery.

From the connections I made online I started to build confidence about being really open, so I put it all out there for EVERYONE to see. I got mixed results.

My mum and dad tried to get me to stop, to protect me I may add, they had had people stop them in the street worried for my health because of what I had written. They were scared people would think I was “mad” and bless them, I am crazy as a coconut, but I wanted to teach them that just because I was feeling this way that it didn’t define me. I then had to write a post explaining myself, that I wasn’t alone in my feelings. My parent has become more understanding about it all, supportive even but I still think it makes a lot of those around me awkward. I don’t mind though, it is awkward, but I am helping those around me to understand better.

Its had its down side, I have been trolled, bullied and let down but I don’t want to focus on those.

I work with BBC Scotland, I have written for many establishments and I am not slowing down.

So yeah, Mumforce – I set out to become something, something more than “just” a mum and boy, did I find it!