How to deal with Sibling Rivalry
Parents have been asking kids to stop fighting since the beginning of time. It’s natural to want our kids to be best friends. We want them to have a life of happiness together, being able to count on each other and rely on each other. As the oldest of 3 girls though, I know this isn't always the case.
In case you didn’t know, I have two children. I have a boy and a girl with a 3 years gap (this was not the plan, but you can read about that here) and its only recently that they have started to take an interest in each other.
One of the reasons my two have found it hard to get on, is because of differences in age that mean they are at different stages in their development and are interested in different activities relating to that. CC wants to play house but all Cassi wants to do is knock it down. I have tried to introduce activities and days out that they have both been able to participate in, such as a trip to the park – Cassi loves the swings and CC gets to climb about on the climbing frame. This means that I have not left either behind and there’s no cause for resentment, they both win.
Cassi is nearing 3 now and even though he has always wanted to play with his sister, CC has been less than impressed with his social skills and often declared that he’s “boring” or “annoying” and until recently used to take herself up to her top bunk, so he couldn’t get to her. In the last couple of weeks though, I have noticed a change. They are actually starting to enjoy playing with each other but with that its been the start of sibling fighting! Which I remember all too well.
I have 2 sisters, one 18 months younger and one 8 years younger (a little surprise) and to this day we still fight though not as much as we did back in the day.
My sister closer to age than me used to beat me up something rotten, as the oldest you would think it would have been the other way around, but I was shy and quiet, and she was loud and bigger than me. I got dead arms for not giving her clothes she wanted, and she would just take them anyway, smacked with the remote so she could watch MTV and one memorable moment when she wanted my scarf, we ended up in a tug of war with her letting go and me going through a glass door. My parents were exhausted at our fighting, bickering and wind up behaviour.
I often remember the “mum, she’s looking at me” moans and the frustration I had with being unable to reason with my sister. She was a bit of a thug (she would say she was too) and even up to the age of 20, she would still have a go. Having her own children helped her understand and I’m pleased to say we are pretty close now, something I would never have thought when I was 10.
I get the absolute fear thinking of this and it happening to me, now as a parent.
The National Center of Biotechnology Information suggests: “Most research on direct sibling influences is grounded in developmental or social learning models, suggesting that, by virtue of their everyday involvement, siblings can promote positive development as well as adjustment problems.”
“Siblings offer early, on-the-job training in how to work and live with other people. They also provide a crash course in how to manage intense emotions: envy, hatred, anger. In children of all ages, but especially younger children, the urge to compete for parental attention is innate. Among teenagers, sibling conflict helps them work out their need to differentiate from family and to set their own boundaries.” – New York Times
Siblings tend to spend more time together during childhood than they do with their parents. The bond can often complicated and driven by factors like how the parents treat each child, order of being born, personality, and experiences outside the family. Sibling rivalry can be intense when children are very close in age and of the same gender, don't I know that!
I think as parents we all have the same goal when it comes our chidlren, we want our children to live in some what kind of harmony together (ah, the dream), looking out for each other in the bad time. We really just want them to be friends.
I didn’t notice sibling rivalry until recently in my two, where I have seen bouts of jealousy or competition between them, this has led to an increase of squabbles with them and having me roll my eyes so far back in my head I’m sure I may lose them. Fighting to sit on my knee or who gets the doll with the blue hair, it’s the little tiny things setting them off and I’m already over it!
While it may be common for brothers and sisters to fight, it can be hell for the others living in the home. What I tend to do is just leave them to it, I don’t want to get involved for one thing, unless they are at some physical harm but normally if I intervene I end up being the bad guy and I don’t want any resentment of choosing sides. It also helps them resolve the issues themselves, play better and learn to empathise with each other.
I’m hoping that with doing this, by the time they hit teens that they won’t be trying to stab each other in the eye with a butter knife. (My sister tried and luckily failed to do this)
Sibling rivalry happens so regularly that most people tend to think of it as a normal part of life. I’m almost certain that all siblings will argue and fight at one point or another. It is annoying, but usually nothing to worry about if your children having little disputes about toys, personal space or other crazy irrational issues. I do believe these events can be helpful learning experiences for them.
Children do rely on their parents to set the rules though. I try and pay attention and ensure that it doesn't turn into world war 3 but at the end of the day I'm learning that normally someone always ends up crying...mainly me!
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