I Had A Panic Attack

On the day I wrote this, I had a panic attack.

This in not completely unusual for me, I have been known to have them daily but this one was a “top tier”, I call these ones THE Meltdowns, the completely irrational, emotionally charged, can’t control shit shows of an attack. Its been a very long time since I had one of these.

I had been anxious all day the day before with the dreaded hang-xiety after a last-minute night out with an old friend. The usual had happened we went out, drank to much then went home and I wake up of the shame of going out, having fun and suffering a hangover from hell. Add my increased anxiety this is something I don’t do often any more as the days of dread after are just too much, but hey it was fun at the time, right?

I had bumped into a work mate and ended up having a good but late night.

At work, I try and keep a low profile – I’m friendly but I’m shy and reserved. Having someone I don’t know well see me “letting my hair down” is a massive trigger for me, it properly down to the fact I fear being judged. But don’t we all?

After school drop off I sat down, then I started to feel it build. The tingling feeling that starts in my toes and fingers, soon becoming numb and moving up and down my limbs. I get up and try and walk it off, desperately trying to shake the sensation from my body. It didn’t work, it never does.

I returned to the sofa and the hot ball of static energy in my chest tightens and I can feel the panic leaking from my eyes. It has gone to far now to stop, I must just let it happen.

Once I accepted that this was going to happen it poured out of me. I wailed, actually wailed with emotional pain – it was extremely intense, had I been holding this all in? It hadn’t felt like I had but it had been a long time since I had collapsed into black hole of dread and sadness.

I called my husband, he had known I was feeling off but when he answered I couldn’t get any words out, I couldn’t breathe. I spoke single words, pushed out with every uneasy breath. The world was spinning around me in a blur, I had no grasp on reality anymore…I felt like I could die.

He talked calmly on the phone, I don’t remember his word, they weren’t important. I had reached out for help, just to have someone else know. Over and over in my head I screamed “I thought I was getting better” “why can’t I be normal”!!!!

My heart was pounding, I can hear it in my ears. I feel sick, dizzy my hands shaking as I obsessively rub my legs, trying to remove the numbness. I realise I’m in the kitchen now, how did I get there?

My husband is still on the phone, words of encouragement, he is calm.

Then, just as quick as it started, it stopped. I lost the feeling of needing to cry, pace and I was aware of everything around me again. Blood rushed back to my hands and feet – feeling returned. It was like a switch had been flicked, removing the abnormal surge that had engulfed my body only moments before. Everything went quiet, I had snapped out of my panicked trance and was back in the room.

This Panic attacks was so sudden and included so many physical and emotional symptoms. It was overwhelming and difficult to manage. People can have panic attacks just about anywhere, I appeared perfectly calm just moments before.

One of the worst things about anxiety is the sense that we won't get better, or that things are getting worse. I feel like I am a failure after an anxiety attack, and I berating myself that I should be better.

I think the scariest part is two things: One, when I’m in the middle of it and I don’t realise its anxiety—I just am in it and confused and well, panicked. The other scariest part is that even once I realise it’s an anxiety attack, I can’t stop it. It’s scary to be unable to stop it or calm it down or convince your body that you are not in imminent danger. All that I can do, I’ve learned, is to wait it out, and it will eventually wind down on its own."

Once the panic had passed, I needed time to unwind and recover, normally I need to sleep as I’m completely exhausted by it all.

However, if anxiety is becoming a regular fixture in your life, it may be time to chat to your GP or a counsellor instead - check out charities such as Anxiety UK for more information on the help that's available. The after-effects of panic may be far-reaching, but if you can address the cause head-on then you can say goodbye to the symptoms once and for all.