My Anxious Weekend

Good Morning, my lovely little sugar lumps!

I am just back from a fun pack weekend in Glasgow with my good friend seeing Take That- I was and still am a massive Take that fan and I don’t often miss their concerts when they are in Scotland. My friend and I decided we would make a weekend of it and stay the night, so we could have a little girl time together and wouldn’t have to rush around for trains.

I didn’t get really excited until the Saturday morning we were due to leave, it was the end of the 2 week Easter break and I was looking forward to some adult time. I had also not been out drinking in so long that I was also excited to let my hair down about and have so fun.

We met at the train station at 1pm and headed to M and S to grab some little cocktails in a can for the short trip to Glasgow. I picked the Cosmo, I know, how retro of me!

On the train we chatted away and were very surprised when about half way we looked out the window and saw a man going down on his lady friend, on the bonnet of a car. Bet they didn’t think they would have the 1.30pm train to Glasgow Queen Street disturbing their “afternoon delight”. This had us laughing all day.

We arrived and headed straight to the hotel to check in and we were pleasantly surprised at our hotel, the Ibis Style which was a bargain I may add considering it was Easter weekend and Take That were in town. We even got a complimentary free drink when we checked in…” two vodka cokes please?!”

I then took my friend Lynzie on the Glasgow subway, something she had never done before. I used to live in Glasgow and the clockwork orange was now I used to get to work each morning so I was a dab hand at how it worked. We headed to the west end as the bars there are beautiful and plenty of beer gardens which were just what we needed as it was 23 degrees.

We drank some more and had food and had a great time catching up and having a much needed laugh.

Take That were brilliant, as always and we danced like mad. We were also very close to the bar, so we made use of that. By the time the concert finished we were buzzed in more than one way and decided we had to continue partying. We didn’t last much longer to be fair and the call of chips and cheese and our bed was soon with us.

I struggled to sleep and woke around half 5 and I just knew my anxiety was reaching peak, you can read about my experience of hang-enity here and I just wished I was at home.

I was so worried that I was ruining our girls weekend away that I just wanted to get home so that she didn’t see the awkward, anxious Gail I try to hide so much from everyone. Even though we are close and have been friends for many years, I didn’t want to put a downer on our trip as we had had so much fun the night before but that didn’t matter in that moment. I was feeling like I was the biggest pain in the ass.

I got up and did my usual of pacing around and overthinking, I called Rory in tears a few times explaining how I needed him there to help calm me. At that time. all I could think about was that I was the worst person in the world for leaving my family for the night to have some time to myself. Crazy I know, but it was consuming me so much. I felt like my skin was crawling with thousands of guilty thoughts and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

When Lynzie woke, she knew something was up but as she does know me so well she knew I couldn’t talk about it and was very good at acting “normal” around me even though I had clearly lost it.

I know I have developed a fear of being far from home, because my home is a source of comfort for me, I have made it my sanctuary. It's very common for those with anxiety disorders involving panic attacks or agoraphobia, for example, because their home becomes associated with being safe. The idea of leaving their home for an extended period then becomes very stressful and this was my main trigger that morning. I was feeling vulnerable and I was far away from my safe place.

I was also away from my husband and he is my “safe person”, he protects me, keeps me safe and the only person I know who can help me in these situations and he wasn’t there. It wasn’t enough that he was on the other end of the phone, I needed to be physically next to him. The urge was strong and I just needed to head home and be with him.

Without Rory I can feel unsure about opening and sharing my sensitive emotions and thoughts, I fear others will judge me for my irrational thoughts and I can shut down any communicating and this makes the situation and me feel worse.

The thing that annoys me the most is my worries. They are not about the future or anything like that! They are about the past. I can take any stress inducing memory from my past in my head and soon it will cause a panic attack. Any bad decisions I have made in the past is replayed in my mind and the moment I start to feel anxious they all come flooding into my head and I just can't stop it, they overflow and take over. I can't talk myself out of it and for how ever long I am feeling this way I can't forgive myself for the mistakes of the past, or the situations I have put myself in. Everything is bloody dangerous In my mind. Dangerous or illegal or unforgivable, I feel like the worlds worst person. I'm not a bad person, I really am not but my thoughts just plague me.

I got home and nothing really happened other than as soon as I walked through the door my shoulders dropped and I felt I could breathe again. Any signs of my hangover leave and it became clear that the unwell feeling I was having was because of my anxiety and not the alcohol from the day before.

Did the anxiety ruin my weekend? No, but it did ruin the day after. I feel torn on if I will attempt to go away again without my husband, even for a night but I know the answer too. I can’t let anxiety stop me, it passes almost as fast as it comes and I have the potential to miss so much fun and good if I do.