Starting Back Again

So I stopped taking my antidepressants...again! I was feeling great! I was the cheerleader for my own mental health and I thought I had told my anxiety to get lost and I felt like I was winning at life. And then, suddenly... I wasn't winning any more.

I am very award of my mental states and I knew, I just knew, that I needed to get back on the drugs. It was going to be necessary, if I wanted to fight the anxious voices in my mind. This, understandably, was a crushing and frustrating decision at first, and for some it may be hard to deal with but for me, but its the same old story for me. I need them.

I know they work for me, I have been on them so many times before and also for long periods of time and they do make me feel better. Its not like I am going on them for the first time, I know what lies ahead, I am a veteran in taking them and a dab old hand.

Self-awareness is something I have learnt in the last year, I can now closely monitor my moods and their triggers. Before I was ignoring my feelings and not seeing the warning signs hoping I was being seen as being the "normal" person who's come off their medication anymore. I have learned to listen to my body and ultimately, my mind, and that's has been a pretty amazing learning curve—sadly so many people aren't willing to take that step, or to address how they feel even if it leading to them ending in some very scary places. I don't want to go to those places any more, they are not happy places to go.

I talk very open about my struggles with anxiety and I have had so many lovely people reach out and say “OMG, this is me! Thanks, I feel so less alone,”

This week has been a bit of a blur, a fuzzy daze of a week and I think I can blame my reintroduction to my medication for that.

I have now been back on them for just over a week and I have hit that blurry part, where all my nerve endings are starting to react and adjust to the new chemicals pulsing through my body. I hate this part.

During this stage, I am numb and quiet. The drugs silencing my inner voice leaving me with not much thought about day to day, my husband asks me constantly if something is wrong and truthfully, there isn’t. I am really not thinking about anything, anxiety is slowly losing its voice but in doing that, I also lose a little bit of me. I’m still aware of the feelings that are there but there’s a disconnect from them. Instead of the extreme highs and lows, there can be an element of flatlining and that’s what I find is most disconcerting.

The medication can take away some of me, some of the parts that I really like but if losing them means I don’t lose my head, it’s something I have had to come to terms with. This is the biggest hurdle with taking antidepressants, the psychological effects, even though I am open to taking them and no longer feel shameful, the first weeks are an emotion rollercoaster while things start to settle.

Each time I restart them, even when it’s the same medication, I can react in different ways each time. I have found in the past, I have had increased anxiety, sadness and even vivid dreams that seem so real they freak me out. No, one time has been the same.

This time, something new, I get the shakes, my hands tremors slightly too quite noticeably. I often drop things, struggle to grip or spill endlessly due to my hands having a mind of their own. I often find myself having to pick things up as the object flies out my hands.

It can some time feel like if your on them the side effects are too much and can really put people off them but I have decided that my mood is more important than these side effects. I can live with a shaky hand from time to time but cant cope with wanting to cry, scream and pretty much "run" away from it all.

I am not a failure and I don't feel like one either, I have learnt that sometimes I need a little boost, some help to adjust to the harsh realities of the world around me.

It can be a wild ride in those beginning weeks, but at the end of around 3 – 4 weeks, I hope to see a more positive version of me. Of course antidepressants aren’t the be-all and end-all, but addressing the chemical imbalance in your brain is hugely important and beneficial.

In some cases, the drugs won’t be right for you, and it’s always a good idea to go back to your GP if you’re worried. I just don’t think these ones are right for me anymore.

Yes, they do the job but are they doing the best? What are my other options?

I head into this round with the aim that one day I can be drug-free once again but if that doesn't happen, I am OK with it — my big focus is health and stability in my life, and I am completely open to the fact that a life on my antidepressants isn't the end of the world.