The Lonely Mum
My weekend was a party weekend.
I had my annual Christmas in January with my old workmates, one of which is my best friend and don’t see her as much due to both our schedules.
I drank (too much) but danced all night and had such fun, I always do when am with her. She is the friend that I’m so comfortable with, the one I can talk too and we always end up laughing.
We used to see each other every day. I once actually lived next to her so I could see her more; she is, after my husband the one I can happily spend hours in silence with.
So like after day after the night before I was feeling emotional, I have gotten pretty good at hiding my feelings after all these years. It can go two ways – I’m quite or very chatty.
The day was a quiet one, I was quiet because my over anxious mind would not stop chatting away about how much am missing out. How much I don’t see anyone any more. How very much alone I can make myself.
I like my own company, I would say am a loner at times but I also like to socialise with the select people I have chosen to be in my life.
I spend a lot of time with my children, I am very much “only a mother” most of the time but after my day of over thinking I realise I have done this to myself.
I avoid socialising when I feel like anxious, I have stopped calling people on the phone because am anxious and have cut myself off. People stop contacting me and asking me out because “she always says no” and yes I properly will say no or cancel at last minute but its hurts me also not to be asked but what do I expect when I seem like I don’t care enough. Seem being the word here because I do care, I very much. That is why am so anxious I care too much and avoid most things so not to be overbearing or “make a fool of myself”, I rarely do but the idea that I will is enough to stop me in my tracks.
I don’t want to make new friends, I have friends I love I just don’t get to see them much anymore. Months and months will past with only a little text here and there, it’s ok. That’s how life goes; everyone is busy with their own stuff, outings, work etc. It’s not like the TV programmes where we see groups of grown up friends seeing each other every day. If we meet up it’s for a long overdue play date, night out but more likely a kid’s party where we will laugh about the old days and make plans to meet soon, we then compare diaries and we are all free on June 30th 2020....
My new year’s resolution was to see my friends more but this has failed due to the fact none of us can find a date to suit us all. It makes me sad as I have spend most of the year so far sitting, cleaning in my wee house with the youngest while CC is at nursery. The classes I wanted to book are full and I don’t want to waste my money on classes I won’t like.
Making new friends is an idea but this is hard for a girl with social anxiety and let’s be honest, its hard work making new friends especially at the beginning. Chances are this lovely lady at the park has plenty of friends and isn’t applying for any new ones at the moment but will add you to the waiting list, please and thank you.
I need to find something to either help free myself from the dreadful cycle of boredom or am going to go mad and miss out on all the lovely things going on in the outside world. Outside the cosy bubble I have created since Cassi was born.
It’s so easy to avoid the world, disappear from all the people that mean anything to you leaving them feeling like you just don’t care, when you do.
For now though I’m going to keep thinking, can I get myself back out there? Yeah, I think I can....
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