Why I don't force my children to hug

As we all know I am an anxious mess!

I find the whole social thing very overwhelming at times, sometimes I make my excuse and avoid the whole thing entirely.

Here’s another thing, I won’t kiss you or hug you goodbye if I don’t want too, sorry if it makes you feel awkward. It makes me feel worse having to do it. That’s ok, I have come to terms with my own boundaries and don’t apologise for them.

Because of this, I will never force my children to do it.

You all know what I am on about, I bet you have done it. Friends and family make their way out the door after a visit, they say their goodbyes and then want “a kiss goodbye”. Sometimes they don’t even need to ask, its implied.

My child may choose to go in and say bye with a kiss, maybe if it’s a family member she knows well but at other times, I can see the same dread in her eyes that I would have if I had to kiss someone, I really didn’t want too.

When I see this hesitation from my child, I speak up for her. “It’s OK lovely, you don’t have too.” I am responsible for my child. It’s my job to help them find a voice and stand up for themselves when they can’t. My child trusts me completely and I am not going to put that in jeopardy by forcing them to do something they don’t want to. We should understand that you don’t have a right to touch other people, just because you they feel the urge to express their feelings to you.

I hope by me doing this, it allows them to have the courage to speak their own mind and protect themselves from the things that scare them or make them feel uneasy.

Growing up as a shy child, I often found myself being pressured into showing affection that I didn’t want too, massive bear hugs from aunties I hardly knew, scratchy kisses from elderly visitors I had never met and forced interactions with many children I would never see again. I hated it! It was often the source of great laughter, that if you went in for a kiss or cuddle with Gail that it was a game as I would often run and hide. When caught, I would stiffen up, try and wriggle away but they would cover me in the kisses and squeeze me so tight, it made me feel so uncomfortable.

This carried on into high school, when at sleep overs I would rather my own space. Miss the late night chats as I didn't want to snuggle up to my friends. I also hate being tickled, I will kung-fu kick you if you even try and tickle me...just ask my husband, so the silly games that were played I avoided often being called "strange" in the process too but I didn't care, it made my skin crawl!

I would find myself becoming panicked near the end of the visits as this meant hugs! Elderly relatives pressed against my tiny body, facial hair scratching my face and more often than not the smell of strong perfume/smoke/alcohol would make me feel sick! Always forced to, never asked.

People who have higher levels of social anxiety, can be hesitant to engage in affection with others, including friends. And the fear of ‘reaching out’ can make that discomfort even worse. This is me! I mean, really? Why do we need to hug? I don’t need to hug you to show that I care about you, well because most the time I don't. I’m not mean. I just don’t want to hug you, if I dont know you very well.

If we’re close, you already know it, and you know me well enough to respect my non-hugging ways, but then again I feel quite comfortable hugging my very close friends and family...is that strange? I can comfortably hug my friends and family, hello and goodbye.

I could hug my children and husband all day so I guess I'm not completely against hugging. There are many benefits to a good ol' hug though and I get my quota from them.

Hugs can increase your self-esteem, Hugs enhance Relationships, Hugs can lower stress, Hugs can lower the risk of heart disease and Hugs can boost immunity ...there seems to be a lot of power behind a hug.

My daughter loves nothing more (at the moment) to cuddle into me at anytime of the day and night and why wouldn't she, I am her mum, her no.1 person in the whole world and I will hug her as many times and for as long as she likes because one day she wont even want to be in the same room as me, sob! Its a bond we have that I have not had with anyone else, her hugs are different, she is basically me but in mini form so I feel no discomfort showing her my love in a hug. For decades we’ve known that babies won’t thrive without physical holding and affection, they need it to grow. From the moment we’re born our touch shows us that we’re loved and special. During our childhood the loving cuddles that we receive develop into our sense of self-worth which we carry into adulthood. The associations of self-worth and tactile sensations from our early years are still embedded in our nervous system as adults. That is why when we are feeling down, unsure of ourselves or confused a hug can often transform those feelings back to one of self-worth and a positive attitude.

There is little that will comfort or reassure small kids as well as a hug or kiss from their mama. Yet, it is not uncommon for parents to stop hugging their children as they reach puberty, this is probably due to the whole "mum, you're so embarrassing!!" phase...cant wait for that one!

Its all really about the boundaries we create for ourselves, why some love a hug and other loath it but because of this why shouldn't a child be allowed to have those boundaries too? They are little humans after all, allowing my children to set their own boundaries in terms of affection is an excellent practice for them to protect them from becoming victims of sexual abuse, help with assertion and help develop a sense of self awareness.

We have to stop children putting aside their own comforts for the sake of "hurting" someone else’s feeling, their bonds in the future will be much healthier, stronger and hopefully not toxic. This will also provide them with the skills to pass on to their own children in the future.

We need to support children in allowing them to express their emotions, needs and wants, most importantly, when it genuine. If we make children do this on demand without considering their feelings, there may be unwanted repercussions.

If we allow them to express emotion and actions when they want to, they will they able to stick up for themselves under other situations and feel they can say “no” under the pressures to make others happy.