Why I find Parenting Scary!

Why I find parenting scary!

I was always the child who loved playing with her dolls, during imaginary play I was always the “mum” and I thought I would have had all my children pushed out by the age of 23. But with any ideas we have as a youngster, its never quite like you thought it would be.

I became broody around the time my younger sister accidentally fell pregnant, I was in a long-term relationship, I was older, and I was ready, but my partner wasn’t.

I was 27 and obsessively watching birthing stories when my husband turned to me and said, “we can have one of the if you stop watching this rubbish?” I was over the moon and fell pregnant very quickly, I was very lucky.

Labour is hard work, it’s called labour for a reason and I had 3 days of horrific back labour before our little bundle was pushed into the world. As soon as the doctors put her in my arms, I forgot about all the work, even as the doctors were still working on putting me back together again (3rd degree tear, ouch!).

After a short hospital stay, I was sent on my way with this little thing. It didn’t come with an instruction book and everything I had read whilst I was pregnant had seem to disappear from my brain. I pretty much had one thought and it was “don’t kill the baby”. This may seem pretty extreme, but I have OCD intrusive thoughts and health anxiety which leads me to think I am dying at the sign of an upset tummy or cold and now I had the task of looking after this helpless being. The fear was real!

Between my raging hormones and all the worries that come along with having my new life as a mum, I had to start all over when it came to be figuring out how to deal with my anxiety and these new worries, I have had experience with fear of those around me getting ill but this was a whole new game and I was scared as hell.

Parenthood can make everyone feel worried, but it was difference for me, these weren’t normal fleeting thoughts, my anxiety was spending hours and days worrying over “nothing”. Its normal to watch and check if your child is breathing in the first few months but for me, I was not sleeping as I watched obsessively that my baby’s chest would rise and then fall. I wasn’t just slightly concerned about being around other who may be ill, I would avoid leaving the house for days as my home was clean and “safe”.

My anxiety was starting to cause me lots of physical and mental torment, I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t sleeping, and I was using every ounce of me to care for my baby and forgot that I had needs to be met, they didn’t matter anymore as long as I was being a “good mum” to my daughter I was winning. I was doing so much more but with so little and it was stressing me out, and I started to feel completely inadequate and worried that I was letting my families down by showing I wasn’t coping well. This resulted in me hiding a downward spiral of feeling anxious, I became less capable, then I started to fail myself.

I felt at the time that this was what I was supposed to do, I was her mum and I was there to protect her, but my mental health was suffering. I didn’t talk about it.

I hid my lowest one day, due to lack of sleep and a teething baby who wouldn’t stop screaming, I broke down. I screamed into a pillow, hot suppressed tears fell down my cheeks and I started to think I wanted to end it all. I was tired and had no more to give and this scared me to my bone. I called my husband and asked him to come home, he did, and I released every little thought I had been having since our daughter entered the world. He was so supportive, even though it all seemed new and unreal to him, he listened and held my hand.

Maternity hormones can be evil, causing mood swings and lots of other mental strain, the brain changes that comes with pregnancy can make you super aware of everything around you and your new baby, which can be extra hard for a person with anxiety like me, my brain is already extra alert and vigilant. I had to learn to be gentle to myself, I started antidepressants and took the time to rest and have some me time, it really helped and the whole idea of parenthood seemed less scary and more doable than before. It wasn't "perfect" but it was a lot happier than I had been before.

I had to let go of the idea of perfection, though I still struggle with this at times and those awful OCD compulsions, but I'm working out what is more important for me and us as a family and trying to avoid parenting hype, though this isn’t always easy. The internet, social media and other sources make sure of that.

Prioritising is key. I can decide what I actually care about, I spend my time on that, and then let the rest go. It doesn't always go this way, I still have days when I need to clean endlessly, overthink or freeze with anxiety, its a work in progress and I know I am moving forward.

Anyway, my long winded point is that anxiety after pregnancy can be scary. It scared the life out of me and I still suffer regular from bouts of anxiety that I can’t keep my children safe.

I do the best that I can and remind myself to be kind when I feel like I’m failing.

And on the days I do find that my anxieties are too much to control, I try and remember “that’s this too shall pass.”