Why taking pills doesn't make me a bad mum
I have been all over the place lately and it’s really taken it out of me and I know why.
It started after our trip to Mull, I had been feeling so good and positive that I decided to post a smiling picture and declare to the instaworld that I was doing great. It’s been downhill since.
I have woke most morning with a feeling of dread...ah my old friend! How I have not missed you, this moved on to self loathing, crying and then a feeling of anger for feeling so shit about myself. And repeat!
The mind fog was descending and I was more than aware of the signs – frozen in overthinking.
I kept thinking I needed a great big kick up the bum to sort myself out and anything I tried to do to fix it was a short release.
It was so hard for me to admit it but I needed my medication.
I have taken Fluxetine for 3 years now, the doses have gone up and down but the medication has been constant.
I started taking it as this medication is a good choice for people suffering from OCD and also depression, it’s also more known as Prozac.
I had found the trials of a first time mum and bad mental health dont make a good combination and I was so in love but deeply unhappy at the same time...how is that even possible?
Its confusing as hell and the ups and downs of emotions were making me an nightmare to live with.
I didn't even want to live with me, I hated myself for not coping. I had dreams that I would just take to motherhood but it was not happening and the constant cries of my new born send waves of anxiety through me. I was always on, my nerves were shot!
Fast forward 3 years on (a few bumps on the way) and I had been feeling great, happy and positive and a missed a couple of days and everything seemed the same, i started taking every other day and then just stopped. I don’t know why, maybe I thought I was better or I was trying to prove I don’t need them but the truth is I do.
If you had a broken leg, you would go and get it fixed so why would you not fix your mental health with medication if it helps you live a happy life.
Well mental health is still a stigma and the idea of taking “happy pills” is still seen as something just for the crazies out there. I think that is crazy!
“I am not a bad person for taking antidepressants!”
I am not being selfish for going on antidepressants.
I’m improving myself so that when my children are driving me crazy, I can tend to them with more patience than they deserve. This is something I find difficult to do when my mood is low and this leads to mum guilt, then low mood, then guilt and so on...
I try to look at the support I have around me, my husband, my mum and my drugs.
As a mum you try and get all the help you can and mine includes antidepressants. I have found peace in that and if anyone asks, I tell them.
Antidepressants saved my life once, back when I first became a mother; when I thought it wouldn’t be able to function with all the things that came with motherhood. They have allowed me to experience my life again and find happiness in things I never thought I would again.
So I have them again, things are on the up. I may need them for a long time to come and that’s ok
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